I got you…

It’s been a while since I have written. Not because I didn’t feel like I had anything say, but because I felt like I was drowning.
Many of us say when my parents need support I will be there. It is said without reservation. There is no hesitation. No taking a moment to think about the how of it all. We jump in. Sink or swim we vow to be there. I was sinking for a little bit . Navigating the senior pool of doctors, prescriptions, daily needs and the ever present fear of am I doing this right swimming around in my head all the time be are a rip current. I found myself trying to swim for the shore when I should have been moving along side it, moving with it to arrive at the calm place again where I could move on my own. Isn’t that what the life guards tell you to do? Move with it and you’ll come out on the other side ok .
Being your parents person is harder that it sounds. I have always been my moms go to person. We enjoy a strong relationship that runs the gambit of mother daughter to BFF. I didn’t think adding one more thing to the mix would change things much . It did. Being the person responsible for everything is emotionally challenging at best overwhelming at the worst. I struggle with this at times, who am I kidding, I struggle with this a lot of the time.
This stage of life has become a balancing act that I oftentimes feel ill equipped to shoulder. She’s my mom and there are times I want her to be my mom, then there’s the reality that most days she isn’t really up to being a mom. She needs more support. She needs to be heard when she says she is tired, that means knowing what she means by that and telling her it’s ok even when you don’t feel that way. She needs her person to be strong for her when she isn’t. That is the hardest part. The most challenging part. The part I didn’t think about before. The meds, the doctors not so hard, being her rock 24/7 now that is a challenge. That is the part we do not think about when we say “ I got you”. Seven letters. Some days they weigh a ton, others feather light but always packed with a sense of responsibility I have not felt since my daughter was born.
I am a parent to my parent or perhaps a guide for this next stage of life, I’m not really sure which these days. What I do know is some days the waters will be smooth, others a little choppy and then there are the days the rip current shows up. Those days I will try to remember to take the deep breath that clears my mind so I can move with it to come out the other side.
The struggle is real. I said “ I got you” and I meant it then as I do now. Perhaps, just maybe, I got you means I’ve got me too.