The four words that make my mouth go a little dryer, my brain a little fuzzy, and my heart crack a little deeper. She will say this every so often. Who am I kidding, she says this a lot, like once a week lately. How am I supposed to respond to those four words? My brain says oh hell no! My heart says I understand, I support your choices. The heart is such a liar.
I know she is tired. I know there are times when she wants to throw in the towel. I know I promised to be her advocate, but at times it’s a struggle. I find myself conflicted by what I want to say, what I should, and what I truly feel. I’m walking a fine line. There’s no safety net and no rule book. In short, I am winging it without my wing man.
So those four words bounce around in my head while I try to figure out how I should deal with them. To be honest sometimes I don’t. I just take her hand and smile, or shrug and say I don’t know but it’s your choice. In the end that is what it is.
I don’t think she is asking literally what would happen if she stopped her meds. It’s more like asking if it’s ok not to want any more. Is it ok to feel like this life has been enough. It’s been a year since my dad and my sister passed. It’s been two months almost since she moved up here to make memories with us. It’s been a lot and perhaps in a way it’s enough.
She will say it again, softly like she always does. Maybe this time I will be able to do more than pat her hand. Perhaps I will be able to say the four words she wants to hear, it will be ok.
What if I stopped…I hope I am strong enough to give her the right answer.
Life with mom ….
My mother myself 