If I had my car…..

Just before the phone clicked off I heard those words, if I had my car. I wanted to say something, but what is there to say. How do you respond to you mom when she says if I had my car.

It was supposed to be three of us completing the task of moving mom. One to drive the truck and one to drive her car with her in it and. Life gets in the way and plans change. There were three of us on the move but only two of us had a driver’s license and only one of us could actually do the drive. Althea was our sidekick in a box (for those who do not know she is moms cat ), mom became my sleepy navigator, and I was the designated driver. We had to leave the car tucked safely away in the garage. We will come back for it I told her.
I think I was sincere when I said it as were were packing.It’s a choice I told her, your memories or your car. Memories won out but the car has become a sticking point. I remember when my grandfathers stopped driving, it wasn’t a huge thing but, they made the choice not to drive. When dad stopped it was tragic. The dementia was advancing and it was difficult for him to understand that he needed to let mom drive and no dad you didn’t just drive yesterday that was a year ago. Mom, she was driving in Florida as there wasn’t anyone to drive her around . When you came to visit she handed over the keys and you got to play driving Miss Daisy for the time you were there. She enjoyed being a passenger. This is different. Her car is in Florida and she is in an apartment 8 minutes away from me in New Jersey and if I am honest, I do not want her to drive any more.
How do I help her make that transition without making her feel less herself? Physically I do not think she can do it anymore. Her knees ache, she isn’t walking well and although she would make it to the thrift shop on her own I am not sure what would happen once she got there or if she would be able to drive home after walking around for an hour. Part of her knows this but part resists. Another piece of the pie that is mom falling off the plate.
It breaks my heart to be up front and personal for all these changes. How do I gently yet firmly express my concerns about her driving? How do I tell her she should not drive anymore, she has us and we will take her anyplace she wants to go? How do I deal with my own conflicts when I realize I didn’t take her some place when she wanted to go because I desperately needed some time for myself?
I am navigating some very rocky territory. The lines between parent and child are getting blurry. I am looking for the instruction manual for this program and am not finding it. It is a day at a time. It’s missteps and mistakes. It’s knowing smiles and hugs. It’s a place we talked about being but the reality is something different.
So how do I tell her I am no longer comfortable with the person who taught me how to drive being behind the wheel anymore? Right now I drop subtle hints, tell her about older friends deciding not to drive anymore and listen to her tel me if I had my car…